Ili

A long time affair;

2009-01-30T18:42:24Z

There's an urgent desire to come and see how the other side of the world is doing.

And hello. It has been more than a while, more than a while to sort things out get priorities right.
To grow.

I fancy that I have grown, just but a little dear, a little. All the petty angst of yesteryear and the many years before, paled in comparison to challenges ahead of me, academically, emotionally, and spiritually, that I eagerly yet with a heavy heart looked to.
I fancy myself to be more calm and compose, more rational than hasty, more... numb to changes than over reactive.

Mm changes are not always like what it seems to be, maybe I have changed yet many parts of me had not, and as much as I want to scrub away the teenage years, remnants, like that of morning breath, still remains.

Life has been quite nondescript for the past months, passing in a blur with countable exceptions. Or has it? Places I visited and left with a piece of me attached, disengaging myself from the people that seek and destroy.

What have I been doing with my life the past two years? Too much to say, yet too insignificant to type it out too. Well for starters I am a tutor.
I find the joy in passing knowledge to others. I would not be conceited to say that I have the talent to teach, but just... a connection with these poor deprived dying students who needed some light in the dark tunnel.
I'm just that tiny tungsten bulb you find in Science lab, but better something than nothing, no?

I went places that disheartened as well as enlightened, forged memories I longed to forget and yearn to recall. It had been a whirlwind years that welcome adulthood, with the additional burden of responsibility and all the adult words that meant to belittle and scare those who are not in. Met people I want to hold on to until the day I die and people I wish I could shake off.
Of unneeded undeserved adoration and adulation from a perfect man I was stupid enough to throw just so I could chase shadows, intangible.

Hurr, BSc in Economics And Mathematics I love, yet I don't know the path after. Analyst? Maybe. Or continue to study and be oblivious to the working world that I abhorred (I don't count tutoring as work, no CPF). Baggage in the form of classmates needs to be thrown, yet they clung on so so stubbornly.

It felt faintly odd to be typing on an unfamiliar layout, unaccustomed to the stark whiteness and of the cluttered whatzits quite unnerved me. But I'll get used to it. Never knew why I felt compelled to come back here but when I do, there's the heady rush of memories that hit me, rush of memories of that far distant time where I had not much care.

Oddities of life. I don't know when else I'll be dropping by but something in my bones say it would be soon, fairly soon enough.

(:

"How sure are you that I can fix you?"
"I don't know if you're qualified to fix, and I'm not even sure how they're fixed,
But let's just say, I'm one of a kind (: "

crapster2 @ 2006-12-03T15:09:00

2006-12-03T15:09:43Z

It's belated but

FUCKEN A'S ARE OVER.

Haha. Talk about late. Anyway it's just two weeks that exams have ended. Days practically aeroplaned by can. Made busy with many dates, outings, soccer and everything else that takes time. I'm enjoying life while I can, before I start work (probably the Starbucks Mab told me about) and start fretting my hair off about results.

I don't know what to update here, just that it'll be next month when I uodate again. As rare as the blue moon. (: thing's have been quite going my way, punctuated with happy moments with you. But anyway.

I NEED CASH. AND MORE TIME.
Thank you and good night.

uno.

2006-10-23T12:20:56Z

More than a month ago. Haha my blog screamed of neglect. Oh dear.

Prelims was ok. Surprisingly gotten most improved but oh well. Must be the lousy Midyears that made me seem so... improved. HAHA. My life had been dull and dreary and all I ever want (and need) to do is study, hit the books, catch up on nonsensical sleep and study. My God, it's so monotonous I'd die. It's really tough you know, when the mind says that you got to study and the body just whine (angie style) NOOOOO. AH.

Studying had been a priority, and I'm really not liking it, but it'll be over in less than a month's time. And a month isn't that long I should say.

Put aside my MJ (mugger) counterpart. Anyway tomorrow is Hari Raya. The upcoming A's kind of dampen whatever Raya spirit's left (although we tried to uplift it by blasting Raya songs at B4-11) but hell. Means cash comes in, and I can see my relatives, both known and unknown. Yea the family's so big, I could stand side by side those distant cousins and not know we're related. Blame our great grandparents for sexing too much and producing soccer teams ok. Maybe pictures up on lj sometime, its been few light years since I've put up anything colourful here. Ah well. (:

It's been nice to know that no major downs on the 17th of this month. Curing, the scab is healing. Yay. ((: Spring cleaning my room wasn't any fun, I manged to unearth one of my (many) old poems as usual, with long-forgotten letters and written convos. Haha!

Some people don't understand rejection, do they? Go awaaay.

Prelims06;

2006-09-12T16:42:00Z

Ha! I seemed to be neglecting this blog.

But this aside, it's the preliminary examinations. It lurked like some fuckedup monster. AH. The usual regrets and why-didn't-I-study-earlier-WHY.
Hahaha. You might think I learnt my lesson but noo. Ahwell.

What kind of days I have? Oh erratic ones. Haha. I think its the toll of stress (stress??) and the panic that's sgriping typical 17/18yearoldssittingforprelims.

Ok I don't think so.

Haha. I seemed so relaxed for everything I'm worrying myself. Like how I did not study ~~much~~ for Economics and I just sat for the paper like... oh... TODAY. Applause for me please.

Sigh. On a brighter note, I plan to slop off for a day after my last paper. That should be Econs 1 and 2? Yea. Sit at the breakwaters and just die in the heat. I hope it doesn't rain. I think iPod as company is sufficient thank you very much.
Then I'll just train my way for A Levels.

Ok I got to keep to my word. Somehow some bad feeling at the back of my bones says otherwise.
Shits. The weather's not helping. I hope it will rain boys&girls one day.

Goodnight mon cheri.

Er. I'm tagged?? Lol.

2006-05-03T13:04:26Z

I can't remember what exactly I'm suppose to be writing, but it's supposedly 6 weird facts about me. (Hikki-san thank your lucky stars I read my LJ.)

1. The more I like someone, the more I get jealous if they beat me in grades, or about anything else. Call it the superiority complex, I think I've gotten Hitler's blood.
2. I've always like start of DOWN the stairs with my RIGHT leg, and I've always like to start UP the stairs with my LEFT leg.
3. I go on a weird cleaning frenzy almost once a month (maybe more), when I could not take up the mess in my room. Ok it didn't make much of a difference if I were to clean it, because my definition of cleaning is to stuff everything higgledypiggledy into any drawer or cabinet.
4. My new foolscap pad will always be littered with nonsensical words and lyrics, all over.
5. I tend to talk to myself when I'm doing Math.
6. I salvage whatever money possible, be it 5 cents. I love keeping money as much as I love spending them.

That will be about it. Tag? I'll just leave the choice to you. (:

After 2347395 years...

2006-04-21T08:46:12Z

Well, after 2347395 years, i am finally posting up something on eljay. Aren't you proud of me Hikki-san?! Lol.

So much happened (as usual) at such a short time span. Oh and something riveting happened past Wednesday. I managed to (God knows how I did it) twist my ankle during the Temasek match. My right ankle now is proudly in a cast. My foot felt... fat. Obese more like it. I shall not touch on soccer now, or else I'll just be moping and crying about it again. I am very sad and disappointed but HEY. There's always that silver lining.

So I am immobile, except with my crutches. I got two types of painkillers to painfully swallow, but it did not help stop that throbbing pain. Ouch. It is hard to bathe. Very hard. Like I have to wrap the cast in a plastic bag. Looking spastic or what man.

I was given a week's mc. But missing school for just a day killed me. Tell me about it. It was fucken boring. The computer became a bore, I sped through books and I've ran out of them. I can't sleep for nuts, the pain will keep me awake. Oh and I can't even TURN in my sleep, because my leg will kill me. So I'll just be sleeping straight up. Super annoying I tell you.

Argh really driving me nuts. I'm seriously going to miss ~~trainings~~ er... school. Sigh. Oh well, at least I'm treated like a queen around home! Haha. I'm glued to the bed. Or the com chair. It'll last for at least 2 weeks. I hope 2 weeks is all it takes to heal.

Ah. So annoying.

Baah.

2006-03-02T10:01:22Z

Aaah. I am sorely disappointed with my Mt results but nothing I can do to turn it back.

These days there's this lingering loneliness all around. Anyway. School is taking its toll. I have to:
- attend trainings twice a week
- design the set designs, tshirt designs, and poster design for Perdayu. God knows why I actually accept it.
- prepare for tests that have lately taken to popping up every week, especially History.
- make-up tuition lessons (good God)
- pre-u sem to bother.

And about 21893234987 to think off. The cream of the cake could simply be the emo turmoil again. Eee. It's got to be PMS.

Sucks to be a girl no?

bkhnfguhfds

2006-02-22T12:16:55Z

Light years have passed no? Even the update-journal page seemed different. Looking pretty. :)

As usual much happened in the month; Common Test yadayada. Satisfying results I must say, but History was a major disappointment. Shall work harder I suppose? Nothing much to say here. So spent from training. Sweaty. Eee.

I'll be here to say it to you till the ends of time. :)

Pray that i update on livejournal more. Lol.

Early morning drama.

2006-01-29T14:39:42Z

A supposedly solitary before-dawn morning was horribly shattered by what sounded like two women having a bitch fit. It was kind of freaky, whats with it happening at 5 in the morning. And the whole show ended at 6+. Not as if it was a show for me, it's all in dialect. Well. Not as if I cared for that matter. But it did sounded something out of Jill Mansell's; fits in the wee hours of the morning, screamings and shoutings, oh. And the occasional slap-slap or punch-punch sound effect if it made the situation better.

Obviously it didn't.
Though it got my wondering; where were the men when we need them to come to the rescue? Or do they not have any balls to intervene a cat fight? Lol. From what I was told it happened in the middle of the street. Oh dear.

And I seriously sounded like a busybody-nothing-to-do-but-gossip neighbour. Lol. You'll have to excuse my bitchiness, I absolutely abhored my sleep being interrupted.

Anyway I do not feel like blogging on brightcitylights, partly because some people complained of myopia in the long run. XD No offence there.

So I've been a full-fledged (complete with cert) couch potato for the past two days. I'm practically glued to my bed. Racing through my outdated Times and some old chiclits, with a banana or a drippy toast or my ancovy-covered-sambal in hand. I must get up someday to work out the amount of fats accumulating. Grr.

Somehow writing cheerfully made me somwhat cheerful. :)
Oh well. I'd better start hitting the books. The layer of dust settling on it makes me sneeze always. I need a new deck of cards. Vipers are ideal for presentation and giving away during routines. I need a deck to play taidee. Sheesh.

Of Selfishness;

2006-01-27T11:24:08Z

"Thinking just of myrself. The world revolves around: Me, me and me. Pick a choice. I actually am facing trouble. I do not care what turmoils you have, but YOU as a friend have to hear me out.
Don't change topic. Hear me wail. I got SO much problems I need to throw it out. Don't be SELFISH and listen to me."

So the selfish one would go.

There are so much hypocrisy in this corrupted world that I wonder what is left of innocence. Selfishness of a person, sowed deep inside. What is the cause? Who knows. Stabbings. Oh that oh-so-common term. To bitch about. Ever wondered what it felt like to be bitched? You should have the taste so you wouldn't do it again.

(: No occasion I was just being random. Something to learn about. So I reckoned.

Tired.

2006-01-26T12:08:55Z

After nearly a month. I am back. :)

Much had happened in school and elsewhere. As promised, the year turned out to be an interesting showcase. God knows what I meant. I am still learning of the people around me and their behaviour. At every passing day I felt myself caught in situations stickier than glue or toffee, feelings that could just fell an elephant. So much had happened.

Ignorance is bliss. Knowing is not all good. Like magic. Turned me insideout to be a full-fledged sceptic. Knowing. It made me changed many perceptions that I hold, perceptions that could be deemed immatured, almost childish in fact.

Seemed that as I grow older, everything gets more complicated (even the names I have to memorise for History). Maybe it is high time I show them what I could do, what I am capable of. It is time to tell them that I shouldn't be messed about. Puhsover. I seemed to drift away from friends; be it in school or outside. Loner. I need to talk. But I just couldn't be bothered.

Sigh. Unload this gigantic burden on my back. I am not Atlas. I'm just a girl.

crapster2 @ 2005-12-27T19:17:00

2005-12-27T11:17:47Z

To ensure that you do not think I passed away; Hi.

I rarely put up anything here, and even if I do it is just to partake silly quizzes left behind by friends.
December had been hectic. I was somehow surprised that I managed to make some male hormones go ga-ga, Red Indian style. Haha I am not praising myself, I just wonder.
Well I made new friends, had a new mentor, and went crazy over arcades. I didn't know when it started, my addiction. But all I know, it was suddenly there.

To top it all off, I have yet to do my homeworks. Not much anyway. There's Swiss Alps worth of it, and I am not even dreaming of starting them. I still have my 6 source based questions, Econs TYS, MCQs, DRQs, (I hate these acronyms), essay outlines. GP comprehensions, essay outlines, a dued essay, fill-in-the-blanks assignments.
I FINISHED ALL MY MATH.
Maybe Math is the only thing I still love, still have the passion for it. School gets duller, but maybe without friends to pull me along I'd die any moment.

New Year's coming, and there are a few resolutions to meet, to fullfill.

It is going to be an interesting year, 2006.

1 was 2005 a good year for you? It was ok. 2 what was your favourite moment of the year? Haven't any idea. Eve of National Day maybe. 3 what was your least favourite moment of the year? When I got to know. 4 where were you when 2005 began? My room. 5 who were you with? Alone. 6 where will you be when 2005 ends? Maybe in the streets of Orchard spraying cans of God-knows-what at people. Or at Giving Tree. 7 who will you be with when 2005 ends? Friends. 8 did you keep your new years resolutions of 2005? I couldn't remember what. 9 do you have any new years resolutions for 2006? Save money, and not get distracted. 10 did you fall in love in 2005? Yeah =D 11 if so, who/what? I'd keep it private. Oh. I fell in love with Dream Theater. I fell in love with the different genres of metal now that I am exposed. 12. If yes do they know? No intentions to let them know. 13. Are you still in love with them? Sadly yes. 14 do you regret anything? Yes. Letting my spendthriftness get the better of me. 15 did you breakup with anyone in 2005? Lol. No. I guess not. 16 did you make any new friends in 2005? Lots. 17 who are your favourite new friends? Michlai Mayyee Hamzah Rachel Syahril. Does Naz count? Maybe not, she's not new. 18 what was your favourite month of 2005? December. 19 did you travel outside of the country in 2005? Yes. 20 how many different states did you travel to in 2005? Three. 21 did you lose anybody close to you in 2005? I suppose so. 22 did you miss anybody in the past year? Very much do. 23 what was your favourite movie that you saw in 2005? King Kong (think I have a soft spot for the furry thing). The Maid. 24 what was your favourite song from 2005? Finally Free, Home, Octavarium. Centre Of The Universe. Elizabeth Trilogy. Temples of Gold. 25 what was your favourite record from 2005? Scenes of a Memory, Black Halo, Epica. 26 how many concerts did you see in 2005? None. 27 did you have a favourite concert in 2005? You ask stupid questions 28 did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005? Not at all. 29 did you do a lot of drugs in 2005? Didn't. 30 how many people did you kiss in 2005? =D 31 how many people did you sleep with in 2005? A few. 32 did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Lol yes. 33 what was the worst lie someone told you in 2005? "I couldn't make it for the day-tournament because I overselpt." 34 did you treat somebody badly in 2005? I guess. 35 did somebody treat you badly in 2005? Maybe, but who cares hey? 36 how much money did you spend in 2005? Uncountable. It should be more than the calculator can hold. 37 what was your proudest moment of 2005? Improving my Econs. 38 what was your most embarrassing moment of 2005? Ha. 39 if you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be? The times I spent with. 40 what are your plans for 2006? Just get over and done with A's the best I can. And not get worked up over silly things.

Dashed

2005-12-10T10:54:28Z

Easy as pie. When it strikes, it plainly screamed out, its over dude. Your hopes are dashed, zilched.

Hahaha... Why. Why does life seemed like a big funfair?
Why does everything seemed to be connected by an invisible web?

Hahaha... This is what they could call a Series Of Unfotunate Events. Times like this I could risk a corny joke.

If you could call it one.

These Walls...

2005-11-30T03:46:17Z

This is so hard for me
To find the words to say
My thoughts are standing still.

Captive inside of me
All emotions start to hide
And nothing's getting through.

Watch me
Fading
I'm losing
All my instincts
Falling into darkness.

Tear down these walls for me
Stop me from going under.
You are the only one who knows
I'm holding back.

It's not too late for me
To keep from sinking further
I'm trying to find my way out
Tear down these walls for me now.

So much uncertainty
I don't like this feeling.
I'm sinking like a stone.

Each time I tried to speak
There's a voice I'm hearing.
And it changes everything...

Watch me
Crawl from
the wreckage
of my silence
conversation
failing.

blablabla. </3

saoeujyoimu

2005-11-24T14:34:58Z

Sailing on the Seven seize the day tripper diem's ready jack the ripper owens wilson phillip and my suppers ready lucy in the sky with diamond daves not here I come to save the day for nightmare cinema show me the way back home
Flying off the handle with careful with that axe Eugene gene the dance machine messiah light my fire gabba gabba hey hey my my generation's home again.

Not making any sense. Running forward falling back Spinning round and round Looking outward reach in Scream without a sound.

Trapped in this Octavarium and figuring out how to make out this mess.

Next year would be both an exciting yet daunting prospects. For the same reason and for that same reason alone.

Leaning over crawling up Stumbling all around Losing my place only to Find I've come full circle.

crapster2 @ 2005-11-14T23:14:00

2005-11-14T15:19:11Z

It makes all the difference in the world, it does.

Tell her, tell this girl a thing or two about lust, ay she might know better. She might know better than to dawdle and see the time wasted away like dust. Ay she knows.
But how to stop it? How to stop something that has been happening the whole year?

Ay, do not rub it in, for I know I'm such a mindless person, beast more like.

Lol. How I love; that pretty little thing I saw.
Ay, I wonder what it is like to touch it.

Hahahaha... Someone mend my mind, I need someone to rap me in the knuckles or klonk me in the head. Either one you choose.
Confusing no?

crapster2 @ 2005-11-01T10:24:00

2005-11-01T02:31:40Z

10 Years Ago:
01. I was in Primary One.
02. I had a hundred bucks for my birthday.
03. I had very long hair, it could rival a horse tail.
04. My monitor spelled 'whole' as 'hole' so she'll spell it 'The hole class made noise'
05. I had a great time in New Zealand.

5 Years Ago:
01. I was often invited to the principal's office.
02. Ms Koh always wanted to kill me for not-done homework.
03. I got a crappy partner named Foo Hua.
04. I realised boybands weren't the thing for me.
05. I was actually disappointed I didn't get into CGS.

1 Year Ago:
01. I was rushing through my foliowork and coursework.
02. Snake and Ladders was the thing we always played during CME.
03. I thought JC was an impossible thing.
04. Standing outside the class with my mates was funny.
05. I found out that my friends are love.

Yesterday:
01. I died under the hot sun.
02. I was hoping the National Exam was the last Malay thing I would do.
03. I slept so early at 10.
04. I rejoiced knowing it was a holiday the next day, then came back to Earth remembering PW.
05. I realised I missed someone alot.

If I Had A Billion Dollars:

I would scream, keep it quiet, buy all my electronics or a new house for us, treat my close friends, and not work for the next few years.

crapster2 @ 2005-10-29T14:54:00

2005-10-29T06:58:39Z

To show you all I am still alive at eljay, here I am.
Hi again.

Anyway much had happened in the past few weeks, it's going to be tedious typing everything out. Finally did my cleaning up, Momma's been on my case for ages, since my sec4 books were still lying around. Sucks. I want to keep them all. Cause every book there's some memories to it. Lol. Call me sentimental if you must.

There was that period of time in secondary school, I must say I was a depressed kid. I read the poems I once wrote, and they seemed alien, for most was about dying and killing and loneliness and such.

Maybe it was due time, I found people that killed my loneliness. :)

crapster2 @ 2005-10-14T00:06:00

2005-10-13T16:11:56Z

Promos are OVER. Something to be glad of. :)

ANYWAY I am saving up money to splurge on materials and indulge in pleasures such as foood. Fasting month. Am suppose to be saving, but end up spending on bowling.

1. A new bag
2. (Nike) watch
3. Sneakers maybe
4. really a new bag
5. more tees.
6. Gelare waffles. (am gonna stuff myself to death with it)
7. iPod NANO

and many many more...
I'll think of them slowly. Drool. It might be a motivation for me to save money. :)

Happy fasting you guys.

crapster2 @ 2005-09-14T19:59:00

2005-09-14T12:41:18Z

Ok. So here are the 20 random things you might not know about me. Been tagged by Hikki-san a.k.a
blahzer

1. My hands turn cold when I'm angry.
2. I realised I stick my tongue out unconsciously while hard at Math.
3. I get upset when my meals are disturb.
4. Wait, I get terribly upset when my sleep is disturbed.
5. I get insane after a nice meal with friends.
6. I'm usually insulting the person I like alot, be it boy or girl. lol.
7. Not getting or knowing the answer frsutrates me, espesh in Math.
8. I stole 20 dollars when i was small, it was pure... stupidity.
9. I also thinks my brother uses the com in my room too much, and i hate that.
10. I get annoyed when people just walk in and out of my room. Ili loves privacy.
11. I used to be fascinated with dinosaurs when i was small.
12. Games are my passion. Espesh wordplays.
13. I draw cartoon guys cause I cant draw the girls well.
14. I have tons of pride and I hate to be wrong.
15. I always sleep towards my left.
16. I'm an extreme lefthander.
17. I dont really like to listen to slow emo songs cause they make me sad.
18. I'm actually (believe it or not) very shy and I use my boldness to hide it.
19. My bones crack.
20. I like to smile alot.

Not really tagging anyone for this, but feel free to try ok!
</span>

crapster2 @ 2005-09-11T08:09:00

2005-09-11T00:09:30Z

This is random but. I hate changes alot. Especially when it is SO painfully obvious.

crapster2 @ 2005-08-30T00:34:00

2005-08-29T16:36:07Z

It's official. I'm moving off. http://brightcitylights-.blogspot.com Visit me there. I doubt I'm updating much here so please don't bother looking up into this blog alright. :) Tag there to show me that you're alive.

crapster2 @ 2005-08-28T06:44:00

2005-08-27T22:46:09Z

Have a new blog, but that doesn't mean this is gonna be dead. Its just... sparse that's about it. Hahaha.... Went out with Qis to get her things yesterday (SO CUTE!!) lol.

I'm hungry and sleepy. Why am I up blogging?

crapster2 @ 2005-08-26T20:38:00

2005-08-26T12:39:00Z

I think I'm going to change my blog soon. Due to some... circumstances I just wanna let go. No point holding on to it.

Delete away my memoriesplease and let me fly to a far distant land.

crapster2 @ 2005-08-25T19:16:00

2005-08-25T11:49:55Z

Sigh. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. I actually did NOT go for Khay and Mat's dinner for the sake of Econ's remedial when I could just pon it. OhmyGod... Am I becoming a nerd or something? I feel like kicking myself for that. aaarrgghhh...

=.= I haven't had much sleep these days. But I don't really feel sleepy in school. And I'm always awake for Econs. Wow. I need to catch up alot on Math now... Been going downhill. Sigh. I feel so bothered. Nowadays been more enthusiastic in studying... Which is good for me, but bad for image. Lol.

Rach didn't come to school today. Piano exam. Haha... Some complications I shouldn't write in here. Mayyee was acting normally thank God.

//edit.

Just had a talk with Andrew and he made everything clearer. Sigh... Life is oh-so-sad.
Anyway...

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY MATIN- :) HAVE A GREAT YEAR AHEAD.